Disclaimer: This resource is for educational purposes only and does not replace couples therapy.

Managing Conflict Together:
Creating Safety in Difficult Conversations

Conflict is natural in all relationships. The difference between relationships that thrive and those that struggle is how partners manage disagreement. This guide introduces strategies to approach conflict safely, communicate clearly, and repair connection afterward.

Understanding Your Nervous System During Conflict

Conflict triggers the nervous system. Common responses include feeling activated (irritability, yelling, defensiveness) or shut down (numbness, withdrawal, avoidance). Recognizing these patterns in yourself and your partner allows you to respond with awareness rather than reactivity.

Creating Safety Before Conflict

If you or your partner tend to get activated in conflict, short breaks or grounding techniques can prevent escalation. Setting intentions with your partner before conflict can help you stay on track. Agreeing to focus on understanding each other instead of winning can reduce defensiveness and arguing.

Starting conversations gently can also help, as your partner is less likely to feel they need to defend themselves. Focus on your experience and what you need, instead of blaming. Curiosity helps in these conversations - we are often so focused on how something impacted us, but getting curious about what is going on for your partner goes a long way.

Finally, you can try pausing when you notice your irritability or defensiveness rising during a conversation. Here, grounding can help bring you back to a regulated state. If you do no think you can continue without activation, ask for a 20-minute break, with the agreement that you will resume after you have taken some time to collect your thoughts and calm down.

Communicating With Clarity and Care

The way you communicate matters and can reduce defensiveness in your partner. Using "I" statements, such as "I feel hurt when..." instead of "You always...", allows your partner to be curious about your experience instead of blamed and attacked. Focusing on your feelings helps your partner understand your inner world, making sense of the reactions that occur on the surface because underlaying needs may not be getting met.

Active listening is a great way to show your partner that you are with them and understand what they are sharing with you. It is more vulnerable to have conversations where you are expressing feelings rather than blaming. Letting your partner know you are present and understand them is important. Repeat what you hear your partner saying, to show that you are with them and want to know more.

Remember, if emotions get intense, you can always pause!

Repair and Reconnection After Conflict

What about when conflict occurs? Repair and reconnection can help heal hurt and normalize mistakes. Disagreements are opportunities to learn and grown together, if you take something away from the conflict, it was productive. Check in with your partner after a conflict, they may have some hurt feelings they do not know how to share. A simple "how are you feeling now?" lets your partner know you are thinking of them and understand the conflict impacted them. Small gestures, such as a touch, hug, or kind words can soften the tension after a conflict, showing that you are still on the same team even if you disagreed or couldn't get on the same page about a certain issue.

Reflection Questions

• What triggers fight, flight, or freeze responses for me?

• How can I signal safety to my partner before or during conflict?

• Which small gestures can I use to reconnect after disagreement?

How Therapy Can Help

Therapy can support couples in managing conflict in ways that feel heard, grounded, and productive. In sessions, you can:

• Identify personal and relational triggers

• Learn co-regulation strategies to calm the nervous system during disagreements

• Practice clear, compassionate communication skills in a guided setting

• Receive support in repairing emotional ruptures and rebuilding trust after conflict

• Strengthen connection, empathy, and understanding in challenging conversations

A Note on Support: These resources are intended to offer understanding and reflection. If you find that these topics bring up strong emotions or feel closely connected to your experiences, working with a therapist can provide personalized support in a safe and collaborative way.

Written by Jillian Fischer, RP(Q), offering trauma-informed online therapy for adults and couples in Ontario and Newfoundland.