Trauma Bonding: Why is it so hard to leave a narcissistic or emotionally abusive relationship

Disclaimer: This resource is for educational purposes only and does not replace couples therapy.

If you have ever wondered, “Why can’t I leave when I know this relationship is hurting me?” you are not weak. You are not broken. You are likely experiencing trauma bonding. A trauma bond forms when intense emotional experiences, love combined with fear, hope combined with criticism, create a powerful neurobiological attachment. Narcissistic and emotionally abusive relationships frequently involve:

• intermittent affection followed by withdrawal

• love bombing followed by devaluation

• unpredictability and cycles of push-pull

• moments of warmth embedded within harm

Your nervous system becomes conditioned to seek relief from the very person who is causing pain. This is not a character flaw. It is a survival response. Healing begins with understanding the pattern.

What Is a Trauma Bond?

A trauma bond is a strong emotional attachment that forms through cycles of reward and punishment in abusive or exploitative relationships. It is reinforced by:

• intermittent reinforcement

• fear of abandonment

• hope that they will change

• intense emotional highs and lows

• shame and self-blame

This cycle wires the brain to chase the “good moments”, even when those moments become increasingly rare. Your nervous system learns connection equals safety, even if it hurts.

The Trauma Bond Cycle

1. Idealization (Love Bombing): You feel seen, chosen, special, deeply connected.

2. Devaluation: Criticism, withdrawal, ignoring, silent treatment, blame.

3. Repair or “Hook”: Small moments of affection or apology reappear: “I will do better.”, “You are overreacting.”, “No one else will love you like I do.”. Relief floods your system.

4. Repeat: Your brain pairs relief with the person causing pain.

This intermittent reinforcement creates addictive attachment stronger than stable love.

Why Trauma Bonds Keep You Stuck

Trauma bonding can lead to:

• confusing abuse with love

• minimizing your own pain

• feeling responsible for their emotions

• believing you “just need to try harder”

• feeling addicted to the relationship

• withdrawal symptoms when you distance yourself

This is not psychological weakness. It is nervous system conditioning.

Healing from Trauma Bonding

Recovery involves stabilizing the nervous system. Therapy can be very helpful with this, co-regulating and soothing your nervous system using modalities such as polyvagal theory. Recovery shouldn't happen alone. Increasing safe supports will be so helpful during this process. Healing includes grief. Grief for the fantasy version of the relationship that was so good, the one that was sold to you. You will begin to reconnect with your inner reality and reducing self-blame. Healing requires compassion, not pressure.

Reflection Exercise: Understanding Your Trauma Bond

The following can help with healing, by examining the reality of what the relationship was and it's impact on you.

1. When were the highest highs in the relationship?

2. When were the lowest lows?

3. What did you learn to believe about yourself?

4. How did you try to “earn” love?

5. How did your body feel during conflict? During repair?

Nervous System Exercise: Separating Safety from Familiarity

Place your hand on your chest and breathe slowly. Say internally or aloud:

• “Familiar does not always mean safe.”

• “Intensity does not always mean love.”

• “My nervous system can learn something new.”

Repeat daily to gently retrain your system.

When to Seek Support

Therapy is a great support for those who have experienced narcissistic abuse. The emotional manipulation is so difficult to manage on your own. In sessions, we can work through all of the pieces of healing outlined above. Additionally, reach out for therapy if you are experiencing:

• obsessive thoughts about your ex/partner

• feeling unable to leave despite harm

• emotional or physical exhaustion

• confusion about what is real

• shame about “not being able to move on”

You deserve stability, clarity, and connection that does not hurt.

Written by: Jillian Fischer, RP(Q), trauma-informed therapist offering online services to individuals and couples in Ontario and Newfoundland.

A Note on Support: These resources are intended to offer understanding and reflection. If you find that these topics bring up strong emotions or feel closely connected to your experiences, working with a therapist can provide personalized support in a safe and collaborative way.