Disclaimer: This resource is for educational purposes only and does not replace couples therapy.

Why Do We Keep Having The Same Fight? Understanding Conflict Cycles in Relationships

Many couples come to therapy feeling discouraged because the same arguments keep repeating, even when they care deeply about each other. Repeated conflict does not mean your relationship is broken. Often, it means a pattern has taken over.

What Is a Conflict Cycle?

A conflict cycle is a predictable pattern of reactions between partners that happens when emotions run high. Once a cycle starts, each person’s response unintentionally triggers the other. Common cycles include:

• One partner pursues while the other withdraws

• One partner criticizes while the other becomes defensive

• Both partners escalate and feel unheard

Over time, the cycle becomes familiar, even when it is painful.

Why Logic Alone Does Not Stop the Cycle

During conflict, the nervous system shifts into protection. When this happens listening becomes harder. Intentions are misunderstood and the focus shifts from connection to self-protection. This is why good intentions and communication skills alone often do not stop recurring fights.

A Gottman-Informed Perspective

The evidence-backed Gottman Method emphasizes understanding emotional triggers and underlying needs in these cycles. Understanding how stress and nervous system activation affect communication can help break the cycle. The goal is not to “win” an argument, but to slow the cycle and create safety.

A Gentle Reflection to Start

You might consider:

• What tends to trigger conflict between us?

• What do I need most in those moments?

• What might my partner be needing underneath their reaction?

These reflections are best explored together with support.

How Couples Therapy Can Help

Couples therapy helps partners identify their cycle, build emotional awareness, and learn ways to reconnect even during conflict. Change happens through understanding patterns, not assigning blame.

A Note on Support: These resources are intended to offer understanding and reflection. If you find that these topics bring up strong emotions or feel closely connected to your experiences, working with a therapist can provide personalized support in a safe and collaborative way.

Written by Jillian Fischer, RP(Q), offering trauma-informed online therapy for adults and couples in Ontario and Newfoundland.